I’ve hated myself for years.
I’m one of those people who is constantly in a state of self-evaluation, determining my worth to be near zero, despite having a loving wife and two amazing daughters. I have a career too, and have even started my very own business. I have a lot to be thankful for.
But I’m not, of course. I’m empty inside, constantly fighting against my own negativity just to drag myself out of bed each day. I wish I didn’t feel this way; I wish I wasn’t wallowing in self pity or constantly wondering if I was going to take my own life. I shouldn’t feel this way. I have an incredible support network that challenges me to ignore the noise in my head…that nagging, alien voice telling me I’m not good enough and to just soldier on.
Like some voice in the void, beckoning to me to do something grave.
I suppose I’ve gotten good at wallowing. The truth is I just don’t believe in myself or my talents. I think I used to be good at things: having ideas, expressing myself. But lately I’ve been struggling to find that person again, to make something of myself, to create something real.
This depression I’m in correlates to the death of my Dad, although I’m not sad about losing him. There’s something more to it, something unresolved that I can’t quite put my finger on. Maybe it’s simply guilt? Guilt for not spending more time with him near the end, or guilt for taking advantage of his kindness when I was a teenager.
I’m not really sure what it is. The point is I want to be creative again and I just haven’t found how best to reignite that fire in myself.
And so now this blog exists. I’m going to force myself to come here and post nonsense statements about my state of mind, simply because I’ve tried everything else and nothing’s worked. And who knows? Maybe it will work for me. At the worst it turns into another failed experiment. At best though, it gets me writing and thinking and analyzing and functioning, and that sounds like it’s worth the risk.
I want to make sure I’m devoting some of my time writing to creative efforts, so while this blog will serve as a method for me to vent (and process) negative thoughts, I also want to try creating content that is somewhat useful, to me or someone else. My gaming interests span board games, card games, video games, and others, but my main source of joy, and the focus of my own gaming business, is in tabletop roleplaying games, like Dungeons & Dragons. I’ve played D&D on and off since I was 8 years old, and now I’m working on getting my own game company off the ground.
For the time being, I am going to focus on creating monsters and other assorted items that all fit together, I think as part of some kind of “Dungeon of Depression”…a place of pure apathy. Will I be successful in fleshing this out? I’m not sure at this point. It’s in the early stages of my thought process still, but I feel like it gives me something to work on and to work towards, and for right now, that leaves me with a good feeling.
So here’s a monster, the first of hopefully many. I’ll include stats with this one but I might not always do that; I don’t really enjoy it to be honest.
AC: as Chainmail
HD: 4 (24 hp)
No. App: 1-3
Special: Depression Field
Negativity Beasts are wolf-bear denizens of the Plane of Depression. They are solid black, appearing like 3-dimensional shadows, but with crackles of yellow electricity appearing like tiny veins near their joints. They are surrounded by a field of invisible depression that spans 15′ around them. Anyone standing in the field suffers a -3 to attacks and actions as their mind tricks them into questioning the value of everything.
Generally solitary monsters, they sometimes travel in small packs, but no more than three at a time.