Let’s get this started: take a deep breath, exhale.
And off we go.
I’ve hated myself for years. I’m one of those people who is constantly in a state of self-evaluation, determining my worth to be near zero, despite having a loving wife and two amazing daughters. I have a career too, and have even started my very own business. I have a lot to be thankful for and yet…I’m not.
Rather I am every bit fed up with myself as others are listening to me whine about how worthless I am. I have an incredible support network that challenges me to ignore the noise in my head telling me I’m not good enough and to just soldier on.
Good advice, but I don’t ever feel capable of taking it. I suppose I’ve gotten good at wallowing. The truth is I just don’t believe in myself or my talents. I think I used to be good at things: having ideas, expressing myself. But lately I’ve been struggling to find that person again, to make something of myself, to create something real.
This depression I’m in correlates to the death of my Dad, although I’m not sad about losing him. There’s something more to it, something unresolved that I can’t quite put my finger on. Maybe it’s simply guilt? Guilt for not spending more time with him near the end, or guilt for taking advantage of his kindness when I was a teenager.
Or maybe it’s something else. The point is I want to be creative again and I just haven’t found how best to reignite that fire in myself.
And so now this blog exists. I’m going to force myself to come here and post nonsense statements about my state of mind, simply because I’ve tried everything else and nothing’s worked. And who knows? Maybe it will work for me. At the worst it turns into another failed experiment. At best though, it gets me writing and thinking and analyzing and functioning, and that sounds like it’s worth the risk.
But there should be some kind of tax I have to pay, some creativity tax. So here’s a monster for you:
AC: as Chainmail
HD: 4 (24 hp)
No. App: 1-3
Special: Depression Field
Negativity Beasts are wolf-bear denizens of the Plane of Depression. They are solid black, appearing like 3-dimensional shadows, but with crackles of yellow electricity appearing like tiny veins near their joints. They are somurrounddd by a field of invisible depression that spans 15′ around them. Anyone standing in the field suffers a -3 to attacks and actions as their mind tricks them into questioning the value of everything.
Generally solitary monsters, they sometimes travel in small packs, but no more than three at a time.