The Voidstronaut

I am frustrated with life. So many responsibilities to worry about: work, kids, my wife, our health, our home, our finances: the burden is real and the pressure mounts and mounts, it’s inescapable. My brain is like some storm of endless chaos, churning over and over. All I want to do is scream, but that’s … [Read more…]

The Drowned Place

I’m having a panic attack right now. It feels like I’m fighting to keep my head above water. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world and it comes over you like a sudden wave, crashing down and trapping you. I’m standing in my kitchen and I’m scared out of my mind, and it’s … [Read more…]

The Negative King

I thought about killing myself last night. I had had a good week off from work; the week ended with a really great birthday celebration for me, and I felt really happy. And then, well, I didn’t. It came over me like a tsunami, a wave of awful darkness that swallowed me up whole. I … [Read more…]

The Silence

I’ve heard silence can be deafening. But to a depressed person, silence is a lot worse. This is because when you’re depressed, silence isn’t a peaceful stillness; it’s filled with noise, internal voices of doubt and confusion, self-hatred, loathing. It’s an inescapable force that bears down on you. Silence is crushing. I hate the silence, … [Read more…]

Nothlings

Nothlings

Being depressed is a terrible burden, and there’s a lot to be said on that subject: something I’m not personally capable of getting into at length, and something I’m sure others on other websites could delve into in more detail. But I have something to say about the burden itself. To be depressed is to … [Read more…]

Obelisk Bear

obelisk bear

I’m fighting to write this post. Every impulse in my body is telling me to stop, because there’s nothing new I can contribute and little purpose to anything I post here. It’s me in a dark corner and it’s getting darker and there’s no one listening and why am I bothering? Even if someone was … [Read more…]

Ivory Handles

Okay hold on a minute, let me reevaluate what I’m doing here. I’ve been struggling quietly with my depression since my mother-in-law passed away. I thought about coming back to this blog to discuss it, and maybe looking back I should have, but instead I took a month away from here to compose myself. It … [Read more…]

Death

This morning, my mother-in-law passed away. She was 70 years old. My wife and I are both devastated by this sudden loss. I’m not sure how to express what I’m feeling at this moment. Maybe I’ll come back and write more, but for the time being I can’t think of anything to say.

The Lost

I feel so lost. Up until a few years ago, I felt like my life had direction. Maybe it didn’t; hindsight through past layers of depression is often murky. Maybe I was exactly as apathetic and aimless then as I am now. But I feel like I had more purpose then. Now, I feel like … [Read more…]

The Wallowing Wall

Wallowing Wall

Depression is a strange companion to have. It lingers with you and leans on you, filling your thoughts with a pressure until they are pushed out of the way, and all that’s left is the sense of loss and apathy associated with the depression. It becomes difficult to do anything; to break the spell and … [Read more…]